Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts

October 29, 2010

Armin van Buuren feat. Susana - If You Should Go

Isn't it ironic?
When I was at Armin Only! in Ahoy in December 2006, and Susana performed If You Should Go live on stage, I got chills and really enjoyed the song. I imagined what I would do if she really would go and leave me. Two years later, around the same time of the year as when I was at the party, she did just that. Isn't that ironic? Song still gives me chills though. Love it!

March 9, 2010

Telling your ex the truth

Here is a great way to telling your ex how you feel... :D
Brilliant! ROFLMAO what in the hell did those cats have to fight about, and did the black one get away?! :) ROFL

January 26, 2010

Definition of Unlove

Unlove - definition of Unlove

How do I unlove?
I can fall in love easily. I can love magnificently, I think. I can prevent myself from falling in love, for a while. I can delay being in love, if I try. But I have no influence whatsoever on either becoming not in love or unlove someone, once I love them. I can make it less, but it won't go away. I have no clue.

I can't simply move on, that would seem shallow. I can't just forget or ignore, or I wouldn't have been so in love in the first place. If it were that trivial, it wouldn't feel like love to me.

So perhaps I love too much. Perhaps, what I call falling in love already is what most people experience as 'being in love'. For me, the appetizer is already a main course for most. Perhaps for them if they'd be as much in love as I can be, would feel like a whole endless buffet or a 5 course meal. Is it me or is it them?

I just don't know anymore. Break-ups have always been hard on me but this one feels like a drain and to just step over it, move on and get busy feels like a betrayal of myself and what I believe in, what I stand for. I simply cannot because it would mean I am and have been lying to myself all these years. I made a decision and gave committment and cannot just undo that. It goes too deep.
Yet at the same time, I cannot continue feeling this way. After a year, it still creeps up on me, surprises me with vigorous hurt from time to time. The lies, the cheat and hypocrisy. It hurt to the bone, yet I don't want to feel it anymore and try to put it away. That, of course, simply delays "the process of grieving". Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I honestly do not know how to deal with this. I have tried and do try, but it's getting on my nerves and I sick of feeling like this still. It just all feels like a joke's been played on me and I walked right into it. So much meaningless time and effort washed away with a single sentence today, one year and 5 days ago...

January 4, 2010

Divorce can be funny

Just browsing Dave's Trailer Page and ran into 2 trailers right after each other that made me think "Uh Petra should watch this." followed by "Uh! I so need to watch that!"
What am I talking about, check out the trailers for "The Back-Up Plan" (48 MB, hers) and "The Bounty Hunter" (50 MB his). ROFLMAO Just glad I didn't lose my sense of humor in the divorce :P

November 22, 2009

Jason Mraz – Absolutely Zero

Jason Mraz – Absolutely Zero (Eagles Ballroom Live Version)

You. You were a friend. You were a friend of mine, I let you spend the night.
You see, it was my fault. Of course it was mine.
I'm too hard at work. Have you ever heard of anything so absurd, ever in your life.
I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Who am I to say that this situation isn't great when it's my job to make the most of it?
How could I ever know that it would happen to me. Not that easy.

Hey, what's that you say? You're not blaming me for anything, well that's great.
My heart don't break that easy. Does it fade away?
So that's why I'm apologizing now, for telling you I thought that we could make it,
I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed.

Who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's my time to make the most of it,
How would I ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no, no, no

If all along the fault is up for grabs why can't you have it?
If it's for sale what is your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for.
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

Well neither one of us deserves the blame, because opportunities moved us away.
And it's not an easy thing to learn to play a game that's made for two, that's you and me
The rules remain a mystery. See it was so easy.

Who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's our time to make the most of it
How could we ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no
All along the fault is up for grabs and there you have it
Well it's for sale go make your offer, well i sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

I miss you so goddamn much. I hurts like hell, no matter what I say.

September 4, 2009

Milow – Silver Game

Oh why are things you care about so hard to do? Because you know they'll hurt? Or... will hurt someone?
Milow – Silver Game

September 2, 2009

A night in September

Finally met my ex last night. Was a bit of a mess leading up it (confusion, retribution, misinterpretation and so on), but in the end she proved to be the woman I chose to marry and I reconfirmed the meeting I had canceled a few hours earlier because I didn't think she was ready to be herself. Turns out she was.
The meeting went fine and we were both calm, civil and said what needed to be said. After an hour it already seemed we'd talked for hours. I cleared up many things important to me (but not all) and felt better. I wanted to continue a more informal chat about the things we're doing now, but she wasn't able to. That's fine, no biggy. Perhaps another time.

That left me dazed and shaken but calm. The sudden put-it-behind-me was a shock. Felt like I had turned around staring into a void in the future whereas I had been moping over the stuff in the past. Small case of vertigo I guess. Good, of course, but stressy nonetheless. So now it's off into the void... Up, up and awaaaaaaay

August 18, 2009

when is it enough

Sometimes you just can't do enough, no matter how hard you try or what you do. Even doing the right thing is not enough for someone.

August 12, 2009

Petra's new photo outlets

petra oldengarm
I don't think these should be public yet, but on a random search for news on Petra (she's still in total radio silence), I found she and PlexiPhoto have been busy with two new cool ideas: PlexiFlex and PlexiSquare.

Good ideas, I think - inline with her previous coop with IUTY - and the pics are great. :) Place for photographers to showcase their work and fans or collectors to easily by jaw-dropping gorgeous prints on Plexiglas.

Sadly, the site doesn't work yet. You can't buy anything because the code is broken and the site has that horrible '98 Dreamweaver look-n-feel, but an overhaul would be easy.

Update: actually can *can* buy this or this one. ;) The latter is only €12 a piece! It's a steal...
Update2: I ordered 2 prints and got a polite msg back saying I stumbled upon a test site that's not yet public and they couldn't sell me the prints at the price mentioned. Duuh! It's still public though...

May 4, 2009

Twittering too

I am on Twitter now too.

I've been contemplating about it for a few months and just decided to go ahead with it. Twitter is becoming a nice platform, not just a tool. There is a whole "ecology" growing around the idea of "microblogging". But when sites like Facebook, LinkedIn, Hyves and others start to incorporate similar things and API open up to link things together, there is something to be had.

I'd like to tweet and be able to specify the 'channel' the update belongs to. Not all my channels are equal, some are more equal than others. Some private thoughts should not be visible for professionals on LinkedIn, for instance. Likewise, having recently become divorced and spitting out harsh feelings for the world to see has proven that not all my friends are equally interested in raw feelings or don't know what to say when presented with them. If I can group my friends into channels and permit certain friends to watch some channels but not others, that would be great.

April 26, 2009

amazing change

petra and i, utrecht
5 months ago i had no idea my life was gonna change so drastically. Dec 6th petra told me she had been in love for a week with a guy from a plane and a 2 hour talk. A week or 2 later she cheated on me. I was stunned but saw the problems, for the first time. I was shocked about those too, more than the cheating. I wanted to save our marriage and try and set a few things right. A week later we went to Cuba. Weird. But we calmed down and talked some good talks. Jan 11th we came back. I was ready to start over and make changes. Petra was distant. She was gone a few days to help a sick friend. Jan 23rd she said she was no longer in love with me and wanted a divorce... She moved into the spare room. 4 weeks later she had found a place. Feb 28th she moved out. Mar 20th we signed the papers at lawyer. April 19th i had a good weekend and seemed to start to accept things. I wanted to talk to petra and end things a little positively... April 24th we met one last time at lawyer for some stupid signature i still don't get. At 3pm she declined to go have a drink somewhere and talk. She was nervous, uneasy, distant. I gave up and was angry and left. At 830pm she called me in tears and apologized and confessed she was in love with a guy and couldn't tell me. That's when i crashed, hit rock bottom and got angry and mean. At 3am i posted a mean post to the wrong blog. On the 25th she read it and got angry silently and remotely. Now i'm in bed, alone, and she won't speak to me for a long time.
nothing has been said, nothing is resolved, nothing will change. It'll come back and bite. All for nothing. And i'm left talking to my self

April 15, 2009

Vacation photos

I finally uploaded photos from my vacation in Cuba as well as Val Thorens. Please check SmugMug, if interested. Photos from Cuba have been split in 13 galleries separated by city or place. Otherwise there would simply be too many. Petra and Jans have more, but protected.

Update: Ironically, this was the day when the divorce was granted by the judges.

March 20, 2009

Signing divorce papers today

I'm signing the divorce papers today. I don't want to but I am left with no choice. Other option is a long and tedious legal battle that costs thousands, no one wins and I'm still divorced. This way is cleaner but harder. It's so fucking quickly... :(
TeekensKarstens handled it pretty nicely though. Friendly, fixed price. oh well

Tomorrow morning, I'm going snowboarding in Val Thorens with friends. Petra was supposed to come, back in the Fall when we're still together. She was already hesitant, so she must have been busy with the separation already... *sigh* "life's a bitch and then you marry one", never thought it could be so real

February 15, 2009

Restaurant Rousseau

After Cuba, I had decided to reserve a table for two at Restaurant Rousseau in Den Haag. As long as I've been here, I wanted to eat here. "As French as you can outside France!", they said. And they were right!

Sadly, shortly after I had made the reservation, Petra told me she wanted to divorce me. However, I could not move myself to cancel the reservation. Not after all this. So I wanted and thought and finally took an old girlfriend with me and treated her to a delicious evening of fine French food. My god, it was great! We had the menu gastonomique with 6 courses and it took almost 4 hours. But it was worth it! Highly recommended!

February 14, 2009


Petra and I talked about the distribution of things this week. Who wants what? Really weird, confusing and it gave me a terrible taste in my mouth.

She also found a new place to live. A nice little apartment for rent that resembles this house in many ways. I think she can even move in in March already. I like the pictures of the place, looked really cozy and I am happy to know she'll have a nice place for herself where she'll feel comfortable, but at the same time it tears me apart that she really physically is moving out and taking stuff with her. The house will still be home yet unfamiliar without her. I can't seem to grasp that I have to let her go, especially since I don't really particularly want to. It's the hardest thing I have ever done...

Update: music to the post

January 22, 2009

World Divorce Statistics

Today, Petra gave me the worst possible news: she does not see how we can continue our relationship despite our efforts. She does not believe common counseling will do any good except prolong the process. She no longer thinks she wants to grow old with me. :( A divorce is the only option.

I'm officially heart broken and numb. Being part of 34% (2007) of all divorces in the Netherlands is not a good feeling and something I least expected.